Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
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Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
We all have our pet causes.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?