A roof is a house hat.
You Might Also Like
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.