“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.