🙂🙃🥹
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)