I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what