A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
2022 will be better than 2021