Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
You Might Also Like
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly