I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
This guy’s not having it 😆
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted