Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
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I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”