This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Awesome parenting 😂
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
are there any atheist mantises?
peeping toms
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I feel it
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.