“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
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“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP