Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
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[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
gm
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
@funTweeters
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.