Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep