HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
this is 10/10 content no notes
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
You know I’m something of a chef myself