Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
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“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Same pineapple, same
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.