my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.