Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.