[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.