Going to pronounce fecal like decal
You Might Also Like
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
also my go-to takeaway order
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad