Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
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I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF