Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Skills
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.