Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
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(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
the noise i just made
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.