I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
my one true gender
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
You learn something every day
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.