Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
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*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Awwwww shit.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”