TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
You Might Also Like
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Candles never taste the way they smell
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay