Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
thank god
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.