Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
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The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
look at me when i’m typing to you
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
A collection of me turning into random objects.