I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
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I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me