Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
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Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Florida be like…
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My sex drive has a dui
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Yup.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good