The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
こいつ天才
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.