Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Best mom ever 😂
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos