One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
#inspiration #foodforthought
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Good dog. ❤️
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness