Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
repaired
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?