Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
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teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless