Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
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A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
They also CAN sing✌️
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Need this in my life lol
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.