Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
So creative 😂
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me