I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
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ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Good Morning.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.