Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Facebook memories be like
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know