two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them