ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
japanese corn
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off