I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
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that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.