Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
(Musicians.)
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
When someone asks if I have any hobbies