My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee