I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My life coach traded me.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.