Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
You Might Also Like
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself