Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go