I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.