Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Inside you there are two wolves
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
SF is the wild wild west man