I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
🍛
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten