Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
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Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
When you’ve simply given up.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning